While I was pregnant I researched everything I could about labor and delivery. And by research I mean that I obsessively read Babycenter birth stories for Remy's birth month. It got so bad that Nic forbid me to read them because every day after work I would accost him as he came through the door with more horror stories about birth. After he forbid me I still read them, I just tried a little harder to keep them to myself. I also grilled anyone and everyone who had given birth to a child. I did read some actual medical research and was given lots of good advice by a lactation consultant/nurse. I had a very detailed birth plan that spelled out the specifics of how I wanted a very natural birth.
Basically I wanted to:
a. Labor at home as long as possible
b. Not labor on my back while at the hospital unless I wanted to
c. Absolutely no epidural
d. No episiotimy
e. No C-Section unless medically necessary
f. No supplements only breastfeeding for Remy
I was rather militant about my ideas and recall several times barely restraining myself from jumping down peoples throats when they told me to get an epidural and saying some half-strangled sounding words about how I was planning on a natural birth. Even though I wrote something on my birth plan about how I understood that these were only our wishes based on an ideal birth I still was convinced that this way was the best, no the ONLY way. Well as the say "the best laid plans..."
I went into labor in between 10 and 11pm July 24th, one day after Remy's due date. I had prepared myself to go over his due date by at least 2 weeks. Statistically most first-time mothers are overdue and I didn't want to spend every day I went over my due date agonizing about it. Even with preparing myself it was still hard when his due date came and went without the slightest little contraction. So imagine my surprise when I go into labor the very next day.
July 24th - Early Afternoon
I have my first contractions. These were my first contractions ever, I had not even had one Braxton Hicks contraction during my pregnancy. I called Nic and let him know what was happening but that they were not regular. By the time Nic got off work the contractions had stopped and I resigned myself to my predetermined two week deadline.
10:00pm
After watching tv we started getting ready for bed and my contractions started again. This time it was for real.
I got some things ready for the hospital and we both decided to go to bed so we could get some rest.
11:00pm
Nic promptly falls asleep while I lay in bed next to him having contractions too strong for me to even doze.
1:30am
I got up to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and have some water before we went to the hospital. At this point my contractions were 2 minutes apart so I figured we better head out since both my Mom and my sister have had extremely fast births. I woke Nic up and we loaded everything up and called our parents on the way to the hospital. By the time we arrived at the hospital my contractions had significantly slowed, until they were only 10 minutes apart. We got situated in our room and I was checked, I was dilated to 4 and they told me I would definitely be having the baby that day. For some reason my contractions slowed enough for me to catch about an hour of sleep.
5:00am
The nurse came in and told us that I needed to walk around to get labor going again. So much for laboring at home!
Nic and I walked around a little bit and my contractions started back up with a vengeance. By 7 I was in bed with contractions coming every 2 minutes or so. I never experienced one normal contraction I exclusively had back labor. If I laid on my side the contractions were too intense for me to bear so I labored on my back. Remember my birth plan? No laboring on my back? Ah, yes.
10:00am
The doctor came and checked me and I was only dilated to a 6, but I was having such intense contractions, with about a 30 second break between, that I was too exhausted at this point to even talk to him. He asked if I wanted to have my water broken and I couldn't even formulate and opinion so Nic said no, since I had wanted to wait as long as possible for any interventions. After all giving birth is the most natural thing in the world, right? So my doctor went off to a rural clinic for a couple of hours.
12:00pm
When my doctor came back at 12 I was still having contractions with a 30 second break between and was still only dilated to a 6. We made the decision to have my water broken. Contrary to everything I had heard this did not increase the intensity of my contractions, they were as intense at 7 in the morning as they were at 6:30 in the evening when I delivered Remy. I continued to labor without making a peep, it would have taken too much effort to make noise and I was too exhausted for that. Nic helped me breathe through every single contraction and watched me twitch while falling asleep for a few seconds between contractions and waking up when they would start up again. At this point I was beyond any thought other than "get this foreign object out of my body!". I remember thinking several times about how badly I wanted an epidural but I was too proud to ask for one after the big deal I made about not getting one. Not one nurse ever asked me if I wanted one, they evidently all read my birth plan which stated that I did not want any pain medications offered to me, that I would ask for it if I wanted it.
4:00pm
I am finally dilated fully and they told my I could begin pushing. I pushed for an 1 hour and a half. By this time I am feeling betrayed by my body versus everything I had read. I never once felt the urge to push. I pushed when I was told but I couldn't even feel if I was actually pushing because I was in so much pain. I was told later that Remy had moved down a little bit in the first 15 minutes but for the remainder of the time he was stuck in my hips without moving. After he got stuck he begin to be in distress and was not getting oxygen. They gave me an oxygen mask that I would rip off repeatedly because I am claustrophobic and felt like I was being smothered by it.
6:00pm
My doctor came back in and I told him that he was going to have to do something because I couldn't do any more. He knew how badly I did not want a C-section so he did the next best thing. Got his hands inside me to move Remy down. Keep in mind I had not had an epidural. After another half hour of pushing Remy was ripped out with a vacuum at 6:24. I do not write "ripped out" lightly. That is exactly what happened and I had the third degree tear to prove it. I just remember looking at him as they carried him over to the table and thinking "I don't feel a thing for him". I didn't feel excitement, love or wonder. I simply felt relief that that thing was out of my body. This was the first warning of my postpartum depression. I never told anybody then that I didn't care about him or that I felt nothing in those first few hours. I just pushed it off as shock from the labor and delivery.
Regardless of the lack of love I felt for Remy, Nic was there to welcome him joyfully into the world.
Remy - 3 hours old
My experience with natural birth was not a good one. Everything that could go wrong did. I had only back labor. I never felt the urge to push. Remy got stuck in my hips and eventually had to be pulled out by the doctor. First with his hands until he could get him down far enough to get the vacuum on, then with the vacuum. The nurse later told my mother that I was too small for the size Remy was. I was also told I had a narrow pelvic arch which basically means my body is not made for a large Asche head to come out of. I didn't experience the powerful feeling many women get from bringing another human being into the world and I felt betrayed by my body that was supposed to do something supposedly so natural.
My views on natural childbirth have changed somewhat. I didn't get an epidural because I believe it is not very healthy for the baby and would cause him to go into distress, thus resulting in an intervention like a C-section. Well, Remy went into such horrible distress that the doctor and nurse were convinced he had the cord around his neck, but he didn't even come out blue, much less with a cord around his neck (Miracle!). Another reason I didn't get an epidural was because I intended on breastfeeding and had heard/read that breastfeeding is harder when the baby is sleepy for the first few days/weeks from the effects of the epidural. Well, my breastfeeding was a total disaster without an epidural. So I do not begrudge anyone an epidural to make their birth easier. Nor do I think that if you get one you will ruin your babies chance at breastfeeding. Giving birth is a deeply personal thing and I believe you should do what is best for you and your baby, rather than feeling pressure to do what other people think you should. I still believe that natural childbirth is the best way when physically and medically possible but I am most definitely in awe of anyone who goes through a natural birth more than once.
I had been told that you forget about labor and what it is like once you have your baby in your arms and the next time you remember is when you are going into labor with your next child. This has been completely untrue for me. I would have flashbacks for the first 6 months after giving birth and although I am no longer surprised by flashbacks at random moments, I do remember every moment vividly when I think back to it.
Coming tomorrow - Postpartum Depression!!
Don't worry the posts will get more lighthearted.
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