Can I get a handbook with that baby?

Mothering instincts. I'm not sure if thats a myth or if I was just born without them. I feel like this first year has been struggle after struggle after struggle. Even the simplest things, like changing a dirty diaper, were hard for me to do. Right now we are in the throes of teaching Remy to eat. Soon he will be walking and soon after comes potty training. Its really a never ending learning curve for both the baby and the parent.

I came up with a little list of information and ideas for first time parents. I think every hospital should give you a little pamphlet with this information in your birthing class.

A.You may have heard that new parents do not get sleep. This is true, but often misunderstood until you actually have a baby. To prepare yourself for the harsh reality of this you should practice it. Set your alarm for every hour. Wake up when the alarm first goes off, twist your nipples, rub them with sandpaper and spill rotten milk all over your pajama's. After about 20 minutes of this you can lay back down. Only to be woken up 40 minutes later by the alarm. Repeat. In the event that you are bottle feeding, get up and turn your fire alarm on while you fumble around the kitchen and try to warm up a bottle in record time. This should give you a good idea of how frayed your nerves will be by the time you actually get the bottle in the baby's mouth.

B. Do not expect to shower for the first month unless someone is watching your baby. No matter how deep the baby is sleeping, or how long or short it has been sleeping, it WILL wake up as soon as you put shampoo in your hair or have half a leg shaved.
To prepare you should allow yourself no longer than 60 seconds at a time in the shower for the week preceding your due date. Ah, what the heck, give up showering for good. No one will care what you look or smell like, your a new mom!

C.Everyone has a cross to bear with their baby. If your baby sleeps through the night it will spit up horribly all day. If it does not spit up it will be the biggest drooler in history once teething begins, which means all of those bibs your little munchkin never wore will have to be pulled out of boxes and used. If your baby does none of the above than it will for sure be an up-the-back or out-the-sides pooper. No matter what diapers you use (cloth or disposable) or what brand, nothing will stop that runny brown mess.
To prepare for this you should take any outfit that is your favorite, smear some sour milk on it, pour a little baby food mixed with water on the front and use a nice brown marker to stain the back of it. If you don't do this now it will happen anyways, babies inevitably stain only the most adorable outfits you have.

D. Regardless of what anyone says do not take your baby ANYWHERE for the first month unless you are prepared for the following scenario.
While out at whatever event you have planned your baby will be an absolute angel. He or she will sleep soundly while strangers pass him or her around and talk loudly amongst themselves. Perhaps there will be a diaper blowout but for the most part everything will go swimmingly, you will mentally pat yourself on the back for having such a good baby, i.e. being such a good parent, pack your little angel up and head home.
When you arrive home, or soon after, your little angel will turn into a screaming, snotty, sniveling shadow of his/her former self. You will spend the next 12 hours in agony. If its night, you will not get much sleep, if its day your baby will refuse to eat or spit up copiously.
No one knows why babies do this, if its because of all the people handling it, not sleeping as soundly at home or all of the over stimulation but it will happen. Some parents just handle it better than others and keep on keeping on. If you have a high stress level already I advise staying home until at LEAST 4 weeks old.

E. Everyone will be an expert. You have probably already had a taste of this since a pregnant woman is like a moving target for information arrows. When your pregnant though, its a little different. Your curious, you can admit that you don't know much about caring for babies and you may even be obsessed with getting the best information you can about caring for your unborn child.
However when your baby is born it becomes much more grating. Probably because you are fiercely protective of your own flesh and blood or maybe because the people giving you advice haven't been sleep deprived in about 10 years. Be assured that you will have people tell you:
- you should swaddle/you shouldn't swaddle
- you MUST vaccinate your baby/NEVER vaccinate your baby it will definitely become Autistic
- Spanking is the only way to go and start young or you'll have a monster on your hands/Who would EVER raise their hands against their own child?!
- Cover that baby up, do you want it to catch a cold?! /Goodness isn't your child warm under all that clothing?
- You don't make your own baby food?!! Get ready to have a morbidly obese child / Why would you make your own baby food when you can buy it at the store its one less thing to do
- What kind of monster would let their baby cry it out? / What kind of loonie would respond to a babies every cry? Your child is going to grow up expecting everything to be done for them
- Cloth diapers are overrated, too much work and who really cares / If you don't use cloth diapers you child will end up with a ruined reproductive system!

The best part about this all is you can rest assured that about 10 years after your youngest child is born you will join all of these well-meaning people in sharing all your hard-earned "wisdom". Not that you won't have opinions now. O will you EVER have opinions, you just know how annoying it is to get advice from people you don't want it from. Better to just talk about people behind their back.

And finally
F. Your baby will grow up a normal child. No matter how much you worry over whether you should have let them cry it out (have I emotionally crippled them for life?), or if you coddled them too much (why aren't they crawling yet!), if you are a loving, caring parent your baby will grow up normal. Normal doesn't mean perfect, or without flaws. Normal means that you have nurtured, cared for and given your best shot at being a parent. YOU can't be perfect and rather than spend time worrying over little details that you can't change - enjoy your child, play with your child, laugh when you want to scream because him or her won't stop crying, or won't stop playing with the stereo or is up at 2 in the morning AGAIN!

And don't forget - follow those instincts!